The Ghost of a Smile

Pictures of You

2011-11-19T23:57:00.000-06:00

Summer Soccer Mom (minus being a stripper)

2011-06-14T23:40:00.000-05:00

Everclear - Volvo Driving Soccer Mom by EMI_Music

Mwah, ha,ha. Just a note: I was never a stripper and I drive a Scion.

I am not a fan of Everclear, but this song neatly filled a little rebellion I wanted to get out of the system after the onslaught of soccer this year. Soccer is an institution in the suburban house. This is the little girl at soccer. She is fun and fancy free...for now.

This the SOCCER: Mancub is on the verge of HIGH SCHOOL ATHLETICS. Soccer is the first season. Track will be the second and the coaches are for realz. People will be cut, try-outs are mandatory, and we have 'hell week' on the way.

All of this will have to frame the European Summer. No joke, Mancub needs to be HERE for the tryouts. This is serious. It is the job of the athletes parent to open the way to high school glory.

So here's to the soccer moms: Soccer has won.

42

2011-03-20T23:18:00.000-05:00

I blame God, or better, I blame her insistence that there is a God, churches make sense, and that I should be nice about it.

The first and most important piece of information is that: I am not nice.

I hate being nice. I gave up nice a long time ago; it was about the time I gave up pride and the belief that I would do anything for love, but I wouldn't do that. I would do it, whatever it was; I would kick Meatloaf's ass.

I am not nice because I don't understand, it is also because I am intolerant, and I am arrogant. Nice is luxurious, just like her life with God. The people at the church are nice; I have met them. Her children saying little prayers are nice and it is very nice to hear about her time with them. She has shared all about her life, staying home, then working a little, mostly staying near our old home town, and her struggles with her weight and childcare and God. God is somehow involved in all of these daily trials. God cares. I don't.

The rot in the wound of this friendship is that I don't care and if I don't care, I can't understand why God would care. God hasn't cared about so many things. There was no God at the bottom. There was no God watching vicious savage days. There was no God alone in train stations, no God watching the poor wretched addicts, no God with that girl that was robbed and beaten.

I have been a lot of places. I have been in and out of love. I have been high and low. I have been to the top of the Eiffel Tower and the bottom of the gutter. I have been surrounded by friends and too alone with myself. I have been there when all the blood ran out. I have been there when eyes, so beautiful that my inside felt heavy, opened. I have been.
KISS. Keep It Simple Stupid. You can call it Occam's Razor if you feel intellectual. The simplest answer is most often correct.

The simple answer is not a mysterious supernatural being. The simple answer is not that we can't know the will of God. The simple answer is that there is no simple answer. The simple answer is that nothing is simple. Everything is complicated. Everywhere is complicated. It is all so complicated that you and I and my dog can't understand it. We can find pieces, we can know as much as can be known, but after that we don't know and that is complicated.

I can't believe her. I can't believe it. I can't believe God.

and I know why. I don't care.

2011-03-17T09:47:00.001-05:00

Interesting Talk

2011-03-17T09:18:00.001-05:00

2011-03-13T22:56:00.001-05:00

PACs, $5000 or more:
-------------------------------------
Concerned Realtors Committee
Realtors PAC
KochPAC Natural Resources
WI Dental PAC (WIDPAC)
People for Rebecca Kleefisch
Building a Better WI/Wisconsin Builders Association
ABCPAC-WIS
Wal-Mart Stores/WAL-PAC
Tavern Industry PAC
Republican Party of Wisconsin
HNTB Holdings Ltd PAC
AT&T Wisconsin Employee PAC (formerly SBC)
Operating Engineers 139 PAC
Republican Party Milwaukee Co
Managed Health Services/Centene PAC
Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance
TDS Telecom
WI Credit Union League Action Fund (WCULAF)
Deere & Company PAC - WI
FONEPAC Telecommunications & Computers
Friends of Alberta Darling
Eli Lilly and Company PAC
Friends & Neighbors of Robin Vos
WellPAC Wellpoint Inc
WI Insurance Alliance PAC
WI Pipe Trades PAC

Employers of Contributors of $5000 or more
-----------------------------------------------------
ABC Supply Co
Agrecol Corp
Allen Edmonds Shoes
AMK Concepts & Services
Anew Health Care Services Inc
AO Smith Corp
Apache Stainless Steel
Artisan Partners
Atlantic DQ
Audio Implements/GKC
Badger Meter
Baraboo Growth
Bevco Ergonomic Seating
Blomquist Benefits Consulting
Boerke Co Inc
Bradley Foundation
Brian Retzlaff Trucking
Briggs & Stratton
Burke Properties
Burlington Northern Santa Fe...
Call Solutions
Campbell Wrapper Corp
Carpenter
CD Smith Construction
Chambers & Owen
Charro Restaurante
Charter Manufacturing
Church Mutual Insurance
Cobalt Partners LLC
Commonwealth Development Corp...
Continental Properties Co Inc
County Concrete
Couri Insurance Agency
Custom Pak Products
EBY-Brown Co
Einhorn Associates
Emergency Medicine Specialists
Endeavors Group
Fabco Equipment Inc
Fashion Angels Enterprises
Feather Larson & Synhorst...
Fiduciary Management
First American Funding
Fisher Barton Inc
Glenora Co
GMR Marketing
Gogebic Taconite LLC
Gold Leaf Development
Hal Leonard Publishing
Hammes Co
Harris Associates
Hay Creek Pallett
Heartland Advisors
Hexagon Investments
High Crossing Development Corp
Holton Brothers Construction
Horton Group
Hovde Financial
Hy Cite Corp
I-Robot
Iconica
Inpro Corp
Insight Industries
Irgens Development Partners
Johnson Controls
Johnsonville Foods
JSD Professional Services Inc
Kapur & Associates
KBS Construction
Koss Corp
Krier Foods
Kwik Trip
Lorman Education Services
Lubar & Co
M&I Bank
Meissner, Tierney, et al
Michels Corp
Midwest Neurosurgical
Milksource
MillerCoors
Minnesota Wild
MJ Construction Inc
Morrison Creek Cranberry
Nicholas Company Inc
Nova Surgical LLC
Orthopaedic Associates of...
PACUR
Panduit Corp
Paper Machinery Corp
Payne & Dolan
Pinstripe Inc
Plastic Surgery Group
Prent Corp
Promotions Unlimited
RCI FirstPathway Partners
Reiman Publications
Richardson Industries
Rite Hite Corp
Roehl Transport
Salomon Smith Barney
Sargento Inc
SC Johnson & Sons
Schneider National
School choice
Sendik's Food Market (Balistreri-owned stores)
Shannon Sales Inc
SIG Financial Holdings
Specialty Underwriters
St John Properties Inc
Standard Process Laboratories
Stark Investments
Super Steel Products
Tamarack Petroleum Co
Tankcraft Corp
ThedaCare
Tries & Rice
Uihlein Wilson Architects
US Counseling Service
US Oil Co
V Duane Rath Foundation
Wausau Homes
Wausau Paper
West Allis Salvage
West Bend Clinic
Zenith Tech

Boycott

2011-03-13T22:49:00.001-05:00

WALKER CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTORS (VIA PAC or OWNERS/OFFICERS)

Hy Cite Corp

Cookware- “Royal prestige” brand, Vacuum Cleaners- “Ocean Blue” brand

(877) 494-2289

CustomerCare@hycite.com

AT&T

Telephone Services, Wireless Phone Services “AT&T” brand and “Cingular” brand

1-800-331-0500

Kristen Cogswell, Director of External Affairs

kc1474@att.com

Deere and Company

Tractors and Lawn Mowers- “John Deere” brand

(309) 765-8000

https://secured.deere.com/en_US/deerecom/httpscontent/generalfeedback.html

Northwestern Mutual Life

Life Insurance and Annuities

(414) 271-1444

http://www.northwesternmutual.com/contact-us/default.aspx

mediarelations@northwesternmutual.com

TDS Telecom

Telephone and internet services

877-837-8372

https://www.tdstelecom.com/About/ContactUs.aspx

Wal-Mart Stores

Retail sales

1-800-925-6278

http://walmartstores.com/contactus/feedback.aspx#2

Wisconsin Credit Union League

Credit Union Trade group

(800) 242-0833

http://www.cudifference.org/contact.cfm

Kwik Trip

Gas Stations and Convenience Stores

1-608-781-8988

https://www.kwiktrip.com/AboutUs/ContactUs/

Johnsonville Foods

Brats and other sausage products

1-888-556-2728

http://www.johnsonville.com/contact.html

Fashion Angels Enterprises

Toys and party favors for tween girls

1-800-492-3237

info@fashionangels.com

Koss Corp

Headphones and earbuds

1-800-USA-KOSS

http://www.koss.com/koss/kossweb.nsf/cs-contact?openform

Lorman Educational Services

Seminars and Continuing Ed programs

866-352-9539

creditinfo@lorman.com

M & I Bank

Banking and Financial Services

1-888-464-5463

https://www.mibank.com/mibank/contactus/Contact+M%26I+Bank+Personal+Banking

MillerCoors

Beer- Brands include: “Miller”, “Coors”, “Blue Moon”, “Foster’s”, “Keystone”,” Leinenkugel’s”, “Killian’s Irish Red”, “Molson”, “Red Dog”, “Milwaukee’s Best” and others.

1-800-645-5376

https://www.millercoors.com/feedback.aspx

Minnesota Wild

Professional Ice Hockey Team based in St. Paul

(651) 602-6000

info@wild.com

The Plastic Surgery Group

Medical Practice in Wausau, WI

800.228.1293

http://www.wausauplasticsurgery.com/contact.html

Reiman Publications

Magazines- Brands include “Taste of Home”, “Healthy Cooking”, “Country Woman”, “Simple and Delicious”, “Backyard Living” and others

414-423-0100

editors@tasteofhome.com

editors@backyardlivingmagazine.com

editors@countrywomanmagazine.com

Sargento

Cheese and other food products

1-800-243-3737

http://www.sargento.com/contact/

S.C. Johnson and Sons

Cleaning Products- Brands include “Shout”, “Drano”, “Glade”, “Windex”, “Pledge”, “Raid”, “Off”, “Ziploc”, “Saran Wrap” and others

1-800-494-4855

http://www.econsumeraffairs.com/scj/ContactUs.htm

Sendik’s Food Market

Grocery Stores- Milwaukee area

(414) 964-9525

corporate@sendiksmarket.com

WISCONSIN HAS BEEN PROTESTING

2011-02-20T17:29:00.000-06:00

I have been at these protests since Tuesday.

Wisconsin "Budget Repair Bill" Protest Pt 2 from Matt Wisniewski on Vimeo.

I Have Been Protesting for a Week - watch the video

2011-02-20T17:27:00.000-06:00

Wisconsin Budget Repair Bill Protest from Matt Wisniewski on Vimeo.

Piled High and Deep

2011-02-03T23:10:00.000-06:00

Ave Caesar! Morituri te salutant!

2011-02-01T23:52:00.000-06:00

Someone I used to work with died of cancer a week or two ago. She wasn't old; she was fifty. I wasn't surprised. She has had cancer for a while.

People seem to hate the idea of dying. I don't. I don't even care about it. I don't get scared in almost accidents, for example. Death seems normal. It seems like it might even be nice to cease to exist.

I don't believe in Gods or after-lives. I am an atheist. I assume death is stopping and becoming meat, like a cow.

I am sad. I miss people who die. I worry that my children could die before me and that the longing to see them again would be unbearable. I fear losing them. I would do anything to stop that from happening.

This has been the bad thoughts about kids week

2011-01-30T22:25:00.000-06:00

"I am sick...and tired." (thanks Coz)

I work at school and I end up thinking about working and school a lot. I have some VERY not nice thoughts a lot. The funny thing about knowing too much is that is makes you less happy. Being the teacher is the easy part. The role is straight forward: I have things to teach, concrete things. I teach people how to speak another language. They try or not and are successful or not. It is very utilitarian for me.

Most of the kids do learn and they do become speakers of the language. Their language is built by me, my direction, and my resources. I have stopped waxing philosophical about the whole thing. They should learn it because it is an important skill. Hurrah or not.

The funny (not ha, ha, funny) bit is that the school and many of the other teachers want us to be philosophical. I can't imagine why and it gets on my nerves. I always want to point out that if you do your job well, we wouldn't need all of these pep talks.

I know that it is all of the European sinking into me. It is my husbands bullheaded approach. "Do the work, all of it, and do it well." Sometimes Americans annoy me. Sometimes I want to stop being American altogether.

At this point I feel like I should talk about all of the differences that we all end up talking about. 'You know some kids learn differently.' and "You have to find the kids interests.' Really? How on earth can we do that? And what about the subject? You know, the subject that I teach.

I am just feeling the drag right now. I feel that we are being dragged down. All of the work seems to go into the bottom of the class, all of the resources. That's where the money seems to go.

I was never at the bottom. My children are never at the bottom. I keep getting told how lucky I am. I am not lucky. I work hard and I help my kids to work hard too. It just feels like nobody cares about the A students anymore.

What happened to awarding excellence?

White Dog Sleeping in the Dead of Night

2011-01-23T01:41:00.000-06:00

I should be asleep. It is way past my bedtime and I don't know why I am here. Maybe because it is cold here. I just picked up a snugly blanket and I feel much better.

Today I xc skied and it was great. I have been picking up all of the outdoor winter sports. It is hard work, but as I am looking to shed some fat, it seems like a good idea.

I am just going to throw a picture up and try for something better next time.

What, what? I am writing.

2011-01-13T23:19:00.000-06:00

Somewhere out there beneath the deep blue sky, some ones thinking of me and asking me to write. Which is my inner mouse responding to a friend or two.

I don't have the exact esprit de blog that I once had. I think that I am sort of boring at the moment. I do have opinions about the national political scene and I have been listening to NPR's This American Life. It is a lovely hour of story telling and I am a bit entranced with that at the moment.

To re-tell the stories would be pointless, but I can show you where they are: Here. You will be surprised what you find there. I am listening to a show about Fundamentalist Christens. It is only validating my belief that they are misguided and, frankly, stupid. I would love to hear some one's opinion about this story.

There is the day to day upsets; but some how they seem less like mountains than mole hills. We are slowly moving towards more time in Europe. Man and girl are going to be gone for a week or two soon. I think it will be good. She needs to see more of the other side of her family.

Right now I am warm and comfortable. I will go to bed soon. The children are sleeping. Man is playing soccer and I am leaving him dirty dishes. Bad wife for sure. Little white dog is sleeping on her rocking chair.

2010-11-11T22:43:00.000-06:00

I moved.

I am HERE

2010-11-07T23:34:00.002-06:00

find me

Fishing

2010-11-05T00:22:00.000-05:00

Crash into Me

I can't lie. I miss feeling this way. My husband has been gone for 3 months. My dirty little secret is that I have been better now than while he was here. I am dreading his return just a little. I am not completely sure what this means.

He will be helpful with the house and the children. They miss him.

My feelings are more cautious. He can't wait to come back to me. I am missing some little thing that I haven't heard of for a while.

My question: Will I ever feel that deep romantic love again or am I just too old. I feel so plain and unattractive now. Old and tired.

Crush

2010-10-21T00:17:00.004-05:00

Who knew? I have a tv crush and it is Steve Buscemi. His character on Boardwalk Empire is completely appealing.

Savvy, strong, decisive; he could be the thinking woman's star. It seems really silly of course, but, as these types of feelings are so very rare for me, I am choosing to enjoy.

It leads one to wonder if all of that romance leaves forever as we age. I am feeling old and looking it. It is sad. Perhaps, immature, perhaps lame, but, I sometimes wonder what happens next?

Is it all the same day to day, kids things, worrying about house and home, and learning to 'love the little things.'

I am loosing my looks. It is so shallow. It is still a real feeling. I feel like I am loosing my youth and beauty. Of course I have my mind and all of those other things, but, this is a loss of hope. I may have to settle for fictional excitement.

Just for fishing here I am:

Shut the Hell Up

2010-10-04T22:44:00.002-05:00

That's right. I am sick of hearing about how 'difficult' I am. They can simply stay out of my face.

Risky Business

2010-09-27T14:38:00.002-05:00

If I could name the one thing that I like the least, it would be, being watched. I am tired. I am tired of defending random and often stupid facebook posts. I am very much tired of constantly fighting for this space in the blog to write. I have to fight my family, my job (which is currently recording my keystrokes), and all of the other possible future 'employers' or 'background checks.'

I know that I can't make bold statements about refusing to work for entities that track my speech. We all know that our little boats are easily capsized and I don't have a life jacket. They don't make life jackets anymore.

I can be boring. I can be plain and ordinary. I can work to be similar and dull. I can keep smoothing off edges and flattening rumples and maybe it'll work. I could live one of those interesting inner intellectual lives.

I hope you realize that it is garbage to imagine inner, secret lives. Form is destined to follow function. I am so still now. Things are smooth and I am all the better for it, but, my small inner beatnik is smoking furiously in my direction. I keep chanting 'no, this is the better way. It is the real way. It is the grown up way.' I am right.

This is the better way. Anyone anywhere would look at me now and agree. You should agree. I should agree and I do agree. It is better. In fact, it is good. It is a good and happy life, as the prophet once said.

It is also the reason that this song is on the tip of my tongue:

I am just getting too tired to mince words.

2010-09-17T22:52:00.000-05:00

Stay

2010-09-17T22:44:00.001-05:00

Tired Posts

2010-08-23T23:06:00.002-05:00

We have entered the beginning of the mountain climb. I started with orientation today at the new job. It was really fine. It was a little better than I had expected.

I am currently in the making a list and checking it twice mode. It isn't for Yule fun, but for, did we get all of the right stuff. I do have "thinky" stuff I could write about and I probably will later.

Most of this week has been tiring. I wish that I have had new insights about myself, but, I haven't been thinking about that right now.

We were in Minneapolis over the weekend.

Wonder Puppy

2010-08-20T00:24:00.004-05:00

Pics of Coco:

Put the pieces together

2010-08-17T23:02:00.005-05:00

It is late. I have a work day tomorrow. I am nervous.

I am throwing some pictures up from the weekend. Explanation to follow.

Both Sides

2010-08-08T23:40:00.003-05:00

Censored.

But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Somethings lost but somethings gained in living every day.

Too old, too tired, too too. Sometimes I feel like nothing is special. I don't have the energy to feel that everything is special and habits are habits. Is this age?

I never feel that hole in my stomach that has haunted me for a while, since the breaking. Breaking is just that. You don't walk away feeling better, you walk away less concerned. Things fall into place and there is nothing wrong.

That doesn't mean everything is right; it means that you have redefined your worldview. No need to cause so much fuss. It becomes hard to jump off into the wild. You lose your hunger for it. You know that there are uncomfortable pricks and cuts there.

Comfortable. Not malcontent. Not sparkling. But why do I feel so flat?

Getting Old and Feeling It

2010-08-07T00:15:00.003-05:00

So this is me at 36. I did pick the better of the photos, no funny faces. But, it is still me after working out. No glamour shot here.

I know that I have 'held up for my age.' It is just the age part that is depressing. I feel like the sparkle is gone. I look like a grown up, mom, working woman.

I miss turning heads. It is vain. I know.

I also have no intention of using extra make-up, dying my hair, puffing my hair, or the other beauty activities ladies of a certain age do. That fact reduces my attractiveness; not because it is real, but because people believe in it.

I am also developing a solid body. I have a little chub, but it is mostly muscle. I work-out a lot. I know that I should be happy. I am quite healthy. It just takes away from my former grace of movement.

Sigh.

In other news, that is Coco. She is a pretty good dog. I need to really get on her training. She keeps trying to place herself higher than Gabby in the family pack. All of that involves nipping and little girl drama screaming.

Coco is getting crafty. She climbs all over like a cat. She even got up to the table on a chair. She is not a purse dog either. She has made it clear that she is a dog's dog. It is all running, eating gross things, digging, and chewing. Spunky.

Well, that was my complaint. I feel old.

2010-08-04T23:34:00.002-05:00

Oddly this song and some other mushy ones are the result of the meditation portion of my yoga class. There are just a few that are really nice and Yo Yo Ma is always breathtaking.

What do I have to say for myself right now? I am fine and everything is fine. I would post about the mosquito mobs here or the puppy van pup, but, I am sleepy.

Things are slow and I am sleeping.

Puppies and babies and brides, oh my!

2010-08-02T00:20:00.004-05:00

Ahh. This post isn't going to be the sweet romp that the title teases.

I have been surrounded by all of those 'favorite things' for the entire weekend. "Never work with children or animals." The antics of all these little darlings makes my head hurt a little, particularly when I am hosting a bridal shower. Babies don't like to pose or eat cake with forks. They like to say 'No. Mine.' Little girls get frustrated with babies and pout.

Everyone has needs to be met. The cake pieces are too big. An old aunt thinks everyone must have been lost because she was. Games must be played.

Being a house guest is also difficult to do well. If you bring a puppy it is even harder. Puppies are hard to train too. Puppies don't always think that they should listen to kids. Puppies stare at the other puppy inside the glass door.

Mommies of babies are really involved in creating the best experience for their toddlers. All of the baby sign language is sure to pay off later. I was there, I admit. I did a lot of those super special things. It didn't make a difference.

My 13 year old is moody, my 7 year old gets upset about the little girl drama. The goal of super awesome modern socially adjust children always looses to nature. My findings are: stop discussing the how hitting Mommy makes everyone feel and say, "No hitting."

Also, in the meanest smallest person way, I want to say, "Yes, puppy is a pain sometimes and I plan to get a dog sitter from now on, but so is your baby centered life." I admit that I am talking out of both sides of my mouth, but when I was 24 with my first baby all of these ladies were NOT interested.

So, here's to getting over the baby years and don't you try to bring me down that rabbit hole with you.

Urban Dictionary: Tiny bipolar humans under the age of 3, who can swing rapidly between endearingly cute antics and screaming, kicking, biting fits of rage. Completely unpredictable and often unintelligible lovable little walking blessings/nightmares disguised as tiny human beings with giant heads. Prone to selective hearing and repeating overheard curse words at inopportune moments. More dangerous when traveling in packs. Evolutionarily speaking, it is ridiculous that humans have the ability to reproduce fast enough to be the parent of more than one toddler at a time.

I think this toy expresses my full frustration. Baby sushi? Really?

Contemplating all of the lack of contemplation that I am doing.

2010-07-27T22:28:00.004-05:00

I am cleaning and organizing; setting my place in order. Bags of clothes, linens, and toys are headed off to Easter Seals on August 4th. I start work on August 23rd. Everything should be ready for lift off.

I have had meandering thoughts about philosophical and political matters, but for the most part I haven't been moved to angry outbursts. I am feeling a little bit sensitive about my laziness. My productivity has shot way up, but my intellectual life is waning.

I am reading a few books and watching documentaries. I just haven't been talking about them. I have made almost no attempt to connect with people this summer. I don't know why.

It seems like some of my friends, the ones I disagree with, don't seem to be worth the effort. I can't change them and I don't feel like dealing with drama. Other friends are busy with children and some seem boring. "Blah, blah, babies. Blah, blah, gossip."

The kids are fine. Fiddle camp (yes it is real) has been the Mancub's activity. That and scowling about how 'lame' everything is; he is 13. Doodle is 7 and in swimming right now. She is bored with the pool and wants to have a play date everyday. She has BFF's now. Over all they are doing well, normal, adjusted, and I have nothing to worry about in the grand scheme of things.

Little dog is going through the 'brat stage' of development. She is chewing things up and trying to run off to the neighbor dog's house at least once a day. We have to work a little harder at the training. It is also normal.

I am not even being sarcastic. This is really what I have been doing:

Photoshop

2010-07-25T00:34:00.003-05:00

Mwaa, ha, ha, ha, ha

Home

2010-07-23T00:46:00.008-05:00

I have decided to write this blog for the one person that I started it for; you know who you are. I promised glimpses into my little summer world and here they are: First we have Coco, the big girl puppy. This is five months old and we have really taken to her. She is definitely my puppy and she makes me smile.

Here she is in the front garden. This one is flowers. I need some garden stones. I want to find ones that say: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams. Not 'Love Grows Here' or something else that would make me vomit everyday.

These are my vegetables. I feel very hippy and superior growing my own food. I also seem to be good at it. I should not that a giant storm knocked a lot of the outdoor vegetation. I will attempt clean up and recovery tomorrow.

I also thought I would throw in some pictures of the kids and the storm for good measure. All fun Midwest stuff.

Finally, the storm turned our street into a river. It is a bit crazy. There were tornadoes and everything.

This little snapshot is fluff. That is fine. Everything seems to be settling. There is still all of the drama of a dramatic husband and a 13 year old boy. It is too loud for me. The husband is leaving to work abroad for 4 months and a secret part of me is looking forward to the break. I am hoping that he will get back his confidence and loose the bad attitude.

I am in the process of reorganizing. I do it every summer. Out with the old. Streamlining is a good feeling for me. I am worried that I have lost interest in old hobbies. Art project space has been replaced by office supplies. The thesis is back on and there are other university projects. I know that this is better. The right thing to do seems to be a little dull, but slow and steady win the race.

Bittersweet, but I always preferred milk chocolate.

Trying to Rid You from my Bones

2010-07-20T23:34:00.002-05:00

Writing fluffs of nothing is not what this place is for; I have been caught in numbness. Fallen into the easy world of dogs, lawn care, a little garden, the club pool, tv, and fretting over practices and lessons. I am a suburban woman. I know that there is nothing wrong with it. In fact, I have double the friend offers and they are nice, bright women.

I think that this is 'living the dream.' Jobs feel secure. I have learned to be grateful for what I have. I have learned that my anger is not worth a job or hurting someone. I have learned that judging doesn't change a thing and that disdain only hurts me at the end. I have learned all of the lessons that the last few year's scream into the outside needed to teach. I have learned to be better than that.

I am tired. Beyond done with myself. Anger, grief, pride, and hissy fits are too much work. It is not worth it.

Looking out into the future of this path leaves a dull emptiness. It is the RIGHT thing to do. I need to do the right thing. I can not be so awfully selfish to walk away from what I know will save us all in the end. I do not choose to do so.

But what happens now?

I have good solid offers for work and graduate studies. I have a door opened. I will humbly walk through it. It will be the key for the future.

It is just the hole of the mystery missing part of my gut that I can'y explain. What is that?

Mom Thoughts

2010-07-20T00:43:00.004-05:00

Where to go from here? Things are not a maelstorm. Things are not bad. There is time in the day. There are frustrations; our van was hit on the side today. I was driving. It is a fender bender (door bender) and everyone is fine. Taking care of a car is inconvieniant

Money remains tightish, but it is not that bad and relief is in sight. Basic needs are pretty well met. It just makes life a little boring. Days are similar and the children are getting restless and irritable.

I am reading and thinking; two very dangerous things to do. I am all caught up in social rules and laws. Reading Lolita in Terahn has been very thought provoking. I don't believe in Gods or other Spirits. The whole thing seems stupid. Why follow these rules? Why ask me to 'respect your right to beleve?'

Rocket Dog

2010-07-17T00:28:00.002-05:00

Public Service Announcement

26.9% of the population in Wisconsin is obese. Half of the world is starving. It is easy to point out the problem, but hard to create a solution. I certainly don't have one.

On a lighter note, my puppy looks like Rocket Dog when she runs. She is proving to be a great little addition to the family. Training a dog is hard work. It is difficult to decide what to train her to do. She needs tricks and tasks to keep her little brain happy. Smart little pooches need things to do or they will invent them.

The Atheist Post

2010-07-12T23:45:00.002-05:00

It is ridiculous, but I have trained the dog to use the local church's lawn as a bathroom. I clean up after her, sorta. It is completely childish, but it makes me smirk.

I am sick of religion. I spent time in the South recently and that pushed me over the edge. I was amazed at the complete disregard for poverty in the, seemingly, pious. Boo!

There was a sky writer making signs about Jesus. Doodle has no idea who that is/was/may be. I was explaining the basic outline and some Southern woman butted in. She was shocked. I explained that we weren't Christians. She had a snide comment.

Imagine the opposite situation; it wouldn't happen. I would be treated like a leper.

Why is it rude to be an atheist?

The Dog Days of Summer

2010-07-08T00:00:00.003-05:00

Puppy. Puppy is everything she should be. Doodle is 7 she is everything she should be. The boys are away. It is quiet and easy. It has been raining for days.

My husband is going to leave for 3 months. I am worried that it will be easier when he is gone. He takes so much energy.

Mancub is harder. He craves his father. Funny thing for the 13 year old, but, it is probably better than most kids at that age.

So here I am, stuck here in the middle with you.

The level headed life is better. It feels good and calm. I feel stable and responsible. I even have a post about Reading Lolita in Tehran. It is a good and thought provoking fodder. I can't get it down here; at least tonight.

"Come here, oh my star is fading"

Do you remember when Coldplay was good? When it told you a story and there was a search?

I know that this is the road to content. I am doing all the right things. I feel it. The pieces are starting to fit. I am finally fixing things for me. Fixing things for me is the right thing for the children, puppy and all. I have been surprised that accepting utter defeat has been the key. I can control what I need. I don't need an agreement about that. I don't need a fight. I need the quiet finishing of tasks.

It shouldn't feel so tired, right?

Little White Dog Battling her Reflection

2010-06-30T23:31:00.004-05:00

Puppies are funny little things. The Wonder Puppy develops faster than a baby, but goes though many similar stages. She is the new project of the house. Training, socializing, convincing to use the outdoors as her toilet are the agenda of the day.

What is the little doggy blog post doing on this blog, you ask? The truth is, I am a little low on massive problems. I have a sensible job. I am fairly sure that bills will be paid and that seems good enough right now.

The husband is going to be away for a few months for work. I think it will be a good break for him. I also hope his family straightens him out. I am not worried about being alone with the kids. I have a system in place.

If anything, I am a little bored. I can get through all of the 'housework' without much effort. Between the pool, friends, & sports the kids are fine. I even have a few gardens going, veggies and flowers. We did the Disney thing and it was funnish. There are weddings and other stresses, but nothing worth getting upset about for long.

Fireworks and a New Job

2010-06-28T23:15:00.005-05:00

The story will come later. I am too sleepy (not Happy, Dopey, or Doc) right now

Disney

2010-06-21T22:50:00.002-05:00

I will now comfortably be able to sit in the 'good parent' wing. I have my children at Disney World in Florida right now.

There is an awful lot to talk about, but, I am on a schedule and I have to be brief. The schedule is interesting. EVERYONE at Disney is on a schedule; my travel mates (friends & family) are on it. I am not very good at it: I am supposed to be sleeping.

There are lots of reasons to complain about Disney & Florida and everyone seems to do it. I am not bothered by most of it. My kids are happy and that is why I came. Later I will thrill with tails of the amazing roller coaster girl and the hey can I trade a pin boy, but right now I am off to bed.

As ordered.

All of the Things that are Mightier than the Pen

2010-06-13T00:25:00.003-05:00

What,what? You say.

Yes, it is me. I have been away in real life. Even this post is going to be a short, disappointing post.

Everything has been crazy, exhausting, active, and tragic and all in the last month. Time has changed things so much that old worries passed to new worries and newer worries passed to beyond worry.

Life is not what happens while you are making other plans. Life is all of the tactile vomit, tears, aches, and being uncomfortable because your comfort is nothing in the face of their pain.

I have a funeral for the next two days. She is a mom of my son's friend. It is a fresh broken heart. There is the to do part and the to witness part. None of it is easy.

There have been Interviews with a capital "I." I don't even want to talk about. It is better to let them sift out of the memory. I just need the break. The J-O-B job and until I have it I have nothing to say.

I call. Queen Mab calls.

Coco the Wonder Puppy

2010-05-19T09:33:00.002-05:00

O.K. o.k. I have finally uploaded photos of Coco the Wonder Puppy. We rescued her over the weekend. She is a Westiepoo (Westie and Poodle) mix, seven weeks old, and a baby. She is not potty trained yet.

We really enjoy having her around the house. I will go on about small dog *bling* later.

As for the rest of life: I am still stuck here in the middle with work. I have a contract coming (that has problems) and I am still interviewing. Sigh.

Thank God it's fatal. Thank God.

2010-05-01T22:39:00.003-05:00

I am firmly lodged between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea. I am always the quietest at the moments that are the noisiest in reality.

Look at this and I'll be back when I have my answer.

rhythm

2010-04-14T13:32:00.002-05:00

A headache, sticky sweaty arms, and impatience are all adjectives which describe me at the moment. The headache is the result of too little sleep and water and too much noise from the teacher next door. Dancing every day is wonderful, really, but, like gym class there is no locker room shower afterwards. Impatience? Well, that is to be expected.

I am in the process of applying to every job everywhere in the state. I am actually very efficient. I have applied to at least 20 already and I have on interview. Obsessive Compulsive people get things finished.

The space between and action and a reaction has always been my least favorite time period. Most people and places do not operate on my staccato rhythm and they are thankful for that. I just have to count: rest - 2 -3 -4.

A Seperate Peace

2010-04-08T15:38:00.003-05:00

Bury me at sea where no murdered ghost can haunt me.

The vague distress of late night posting and girl fights behind I have been reading again. I am not at my best when I am reading. I become extremely absorbed in books and not in that librarian voracious reader way; I fall into carrying the story and themes around with me all day.

My mind has been wrestling with A Separate Peace for a few days now. I have been intentionally avoiding this book. I associate it with old places and times. The book, it seems, is chasing me. When I walked into my classroom after Spring Break and it was sitting on my desk (a student had abandoned it), I started reading the damn thing.

I am still coming to grips with the plot and the characters; I have not finished it. I will remain in this limbo for a while, even after I finish the book. Novels have so many threads that get caught on my cat claws that I try to keep them out of my head. I am a non-fiction lady.

My own life has enough fiction for any single person. I am worried by a character in this book, he and I have a disturbing common trait. I complain so bitterly and so often, I think that my golden little secret is hidden here. This blog, in many ways, is meant to hold all of the tarnish that sticks to me.

In person I am usually soft like a squirrel's tail and fresh like milk. I don't look like a dark thing. It used to be that I could walk into almost any situation and remain as fresh as a daisy. I still can do it up to a point. I can pick up dancing and French and all sorts of skills. I can also be seductive in a wholesome and pleasant way; I can make a class of rowdy students love me and sigh about how 'cool' I am. But I know that I am chipped and cracked now.

It will be interesting to see if the book breaks itself too. I am dreading the fall.

Out

2010-04-05T13:03:00.003-05:00

There are not many places that have winters like the upper Midwest; except Canada and Russia. I have been told, by experienced friends, that Maine winters do not compare to the dark blue part of the map in the middle of the country. We do have white Christmases and winter sports, but it takes a lot of time and energy to get going in the winter.

The change of seasons is a tangible movement here. Our lives are conditioned by the weather and when good weather comes, everything is better. We are happy with rain or sun, as long as no part of your body could freeze solid. Warmth brings freedom.

Some early blooming flowers are already out here. We can wear a sweater or light jacket and it is magical. During our week of Spring Break it appeared as though everyone had just been released from prison and half of them, not crazy, thought that shorts were appropriate.

This is the season of release here. I am also about to hit the job search trail, as there are not enough students at my current job to keep me teaching. I am less worried. I am not mired down in the Forest of Despair this year. I am trying to settle the issue as quickly as I can.

In fact, I am going to try to batten down all of the hatches. Vacations over the summer will remain, but, I will be cutting a lot of 'frills.' Which basically means, I am going to budget life on a full time teaching salary.

The dark under current of the decision is that I am utterly underwhelmed with my spouse. I am falling into 'cut your losses' territory. There is no impending break-up, in fact I have promised that I won't do that, but the detachment will begin.

At some point we have to protect ourselves. I, as a mother, also need to provide security and stability to my brood, even if it means less cable.

Hid His Face Among the Stars

2010-04-03T23:48:00.003-05:00

It has been a reasonable Zombie Awareness Day a.k.a. Easter. I don't really have loads of complaints.

My mind is still treading on the treadmill of the unknown, hold tight, batter down the hatches and wait out the storm. I am getting impatient waiting. Resentment is growing. How do you keep telling your spouse that you are done with his choices? How do you remove yourself from the spiral of poverty.

I have a solid enough plan. I will get a teaching gig as soon as I can. The waiting is the hardest part. Watching others have good marriages.

My marriage isn't bad he is taking steps to improve himself. He is trying. If I were a good wife I would wait and try to make it work. I actually just feel like a rat in a cage.

I wonder what I did wrong? I wonder were I feel. I wonder if I even deserve a better life. Better, I love my kids, but, I want someone to love the 'the pilgrim soul in me.'

Ah, how the teenage dreams won't die.

Dr. Frickin' Phil & God Zombie Day / holier than thou

2010-04-01T22:31:00.003-05:00

The Mommy/ you are a critical bitch wars have fallen into my blogland. I am sick to death of having this conversation. I am going to throw in a little Dr. Phil.

I need to make a little point: I am not impressed with most SAHM's and I don't care to hear about their daily stories. I also DON'T CARE. I don't want to keep talking about it. I am pretty darn clear about it and consistent.

On the same note: I am not impressed with the very religious. I always think of an old Robin Williams joke:

"I used to use drugs and alcohol, but I found jesus and now I want to share him with you."

"why you didn't share your drugs or alcohol?"

Keep your Jesus.

All of this is getting old and I am done.

"But why do you care?" you ask.

Answer, "I don't know. Why do chick flicks make me mad?" The truth is, I want to know how it is that I have created a stressful, poverty added life, and these women have someone that pays for them to do what the feel like doing all day?

Dr. Phil's astute answer was, "There's not an answer." Another Philian gem.

To go on about religion: My family is proposing renaming Easter to Zombie Awareness Day

I think this Venn Diagram explains the poit pretty well.

On a more serious note, I have been pondering the role of religion in the lives of men verses women. I have a totally unsubstantiated opinion that religion and tradition work in the favor of women. The 'rules' seem to protect a woman's right to bind and keep a man.

That is the moral way. I am not planning to let men off of the hook for all of the years of mysoginistic behavior. However, I give you Jezebel:

The name Jezebel has come to be used as a general name for evil women. In Christian tradition, a comparison to Jezebel suggests that a person is a pagan or an apostate masquerading as a servant of God, who by manipulation and/or seduction misleads the saints of God into sins of idolatry and sexual immorality, sending them to hell.^[8] In particular, Jezebel has come to be associated with promiscuity.

It is traditionally the fault of the women, a jezebel, that leads a rightious man astray. Men, of course, can't help themselves. I found this on a Christian site:

Also, when you seek potential mistresses, are there distinctive traits about certain young ladies that lead you to believe that they will be content with playing second fiddle? What is it about certain young women that gives you, married men, the audacity to even approach them?

What is the distinctive trait?

What is the distinctive trait of religion that values certain roles over others? Who made the rules? Why are 'non-believers' expected to follow them?

Sometimes I think it would be better if the church, the neighbors, and whoever else would keep their decisions in to themselves.

Friends

2010-04-01T01:20:00.003-05:00

I have had it with some of my friends. One in particular is taking everything to personally and I am over it.

As I age my friendships change dramatically. My personality is sharper than it was and I have lost sympathy for a number of situations.

One of the poverty lessons that I have learned is: hold on to your accomplishments. Vainity can be the glue that keeps the pieces together in order ti (to) completw (complete) (a) task.

I am falling asleep. More to come.

Back with the Living

2010-03-31T22:31:00.002-05:00

Enough already, I say. I am tired of trying to appease people that do not want to listen.

This could be a rant. I feel a rant in my gut. I am stilling my restless anger. I need to decide what I want out of this blog.

1. I know I want to tell the truth.
2. I know that I want to 'keep it real.'
3. I know that I want to keep going.

I need time to think and move slowly.

2010-03-31T01:03:00.001-05:00

I would like very much for someone to be passionate about me and see me for more than my Midwestern cloak.

2010-03-30T01:40:00.002-05:00

I watched the X-files 2. I have such a crush on Mulder. Once in a while I just want to be swept off of my feet.

The Ugly Blog

2010-03-29T23:37:00.002-05:00

This has become the place to leave all of the things that we shouldn't say, think, or feel:

I will direct anyone still here to: snarkyscrapper.wordpress.com for the light side.

If you are related to me or old friends stop and walk away

2010-03-29T01:06:00.001-05:00

Ugh

2010-03-26T08:22:00.002-05:00

I am just done today. It is one of those times when I am frustrated and tapped out. There is so much that I don't know if this is even worth it.

Money is a problem. It is an annoyingly persistant problem. I can rationalize a lot of things. I know that I can live simply and want less, but, there comes a point when there isn't a lot less that you can do. I am arguing over buying snack foods for my children. My husband thinks that they should eat bread.

The husband is the real problem. Endless frustration. I have talked about this, I have been mad, and I am past any point of anything. I regret marrying. I wish I could make him dissapear. There is no way out of this. I am trapped in a financial and parenting cage.

Divorce won't solve the problem. I would still have to deal with a lack of money. He would still be in the picture. Hell, I would have to pay him allomony.

Right now I am carrying a cement block on my back.

Just a Heads Up

2010-03-24T10:42:00.001-05:00

The Blog is sorta closed right now. If you can see this you are on the small inner circle. I just can't take people being mad at me for what I write here.

Oh My Wicked Ways.

The endurance athlete is the ultimate realist.

2010-03-23T23:33:00.002-05:00

I was irritated today. I even called in to Public Radio. Health Care. I understand the left. I agree with the left: public health care for all. The anarchist in me screams death to the insurance companies. The pragmatist realizes that it is a slow process. Time, change, more time, more change.

I am able to go on a full blown rant about the stupidity, arrogance, and greed of the people that hate the Act. I do not really understand their objectives. I am not sure the mythical 'they' even understand.

This is the choir and I am not in the mood to preach.

I am too occupied with day to day. I have to find and new solid job, I have been exercising at least an hour a day, I work, I tend to all of the house (no piled up laundry, no dirty dishes, clean enough), kid stuff (practices, playing, projects, the steady movement of kids in and out of the house, concerts, games) more work, people that need to be in conversations with me, movies with kids or without, extended family plans, I putter in the garden, I get food, cook food, and I am volunteering in the elementary school tomorrow.

There is me time. I am not burdened without it. I dance, run, read, write. I am not even stressed by the number of hours in the day. I AM frustrated with people that don't keep up and some of them are close.

The world moves fast and we must be efficient to make it all work. It is these days when sympathy alludes me. If I can do it, why can't, he ,she, it, them. It is at its worst when I need to rely on someone else.

Get your endurance up; it's a marathon baby.

How I Like So Many of You Less Than You Deserve

2010-03-22T15:32:00.005-05:00

I would have never guessed that I would feel this way at this age. I did imagine this age as a teen. Meg Ryan was 35 when I was in high school and I happened to see her on The Tonight Show; I decided 35 was the last "young" age you could be. It is all old after 35.

I guess I expected that I would care more or less or at all, really. I am so amazingly uninterested in so many things. Some days I feel muted, like I have burned my tongue, but that feeling applies to my whole body. Occasionally I am questioned about why I did or didn't do something and I always struggle for an answer. I normally end up telling people the standard 'I dunno' or 'I hadn't thought about that' depending on the crowd. The truth is closer to 'I hadn't realized that I was supposed to pretend to care.'

I get into the same argument over and over with my near and dear about me and being completely self centered. I am sure that it seems that way. I haven't found a way to explain that I just don't care about myself either. Isn't it all just a succession of minutes until I die too? I know that I don't worry myself over my demise.

How do you explain that you just get up and go through the motions each day to smooth out the wrinkles in the sheets for the few that glow with warmth?

I do think (over and over) and sometimes say out loud HORRIBLE things. I don't always understand why the things are horrible; they don't seem horrible to me. I do know that EVERYONE will get ANGRY if I say things. Sometimes I try to speak to as few people as possible a day. I take side doors at work and stay in my room just to avoid small talk.

Once said by a warm body out there: I like humanity, but I don't enjoy the company of humans.

And Everything She Says She Wants, I See She Gets

2010-03-15T15:53:00.000-05:00

"Well, if you don't get a job, we might have to move."

Me: "I guess. But, I think I'll get a new job. I've already been e-mailed and called once."

"Still, we'd have to move."

Me: "Yeah. But I am sure I can get some kind of a job."

I first thought of 'waiting to exhale' as a metaphor for all of this, but, I realized that I had already done it. However, in the Google query to find 'waiting' I stumbled upon "Waiting for Godot" and thought: that is certainly a metaphor I could use.

Of course, of course, I know that Samuel Beckett is a conversation stopper, even on the internet. Everyone has to stop and remember high school, think vaguely about God, and then Google the damn thing. But, here's the thing: in a nut shell, in "Waiting for Godot" everyone is either waiting in a pair or traveling in a pair. Everyone is going in circles trying to find meaning and it all ends in failed suicide attempts.

Lucky (one of the characters) is lucky because he knows that he, a slave, serves his master. He does not have to ponder his boots and the sky. He doesn't have to wait for Godot.

I am Lucky. As Bob Dylan has said, "You gotta serve somebody...it may be the Devil or it may be the Lord." I know who I serve.

And so I will wait with Vladamir. I just need to find a new tree to stand under. This time I am looking for a simple solid tree. I don't want polished oak and I do not want to plant a new type of tree. So let's hope that I am lucky enough to find a nice plain old tree near enough to make sure that every time they fall I can catch them.

“It is a tragic mix-up when the United States spends $500,000 for every enemy soldier killed, and only $53 annually on the victims of poverty.” MLK

2010-03-11T23:22:00.000-06:00

Earlier this week, Sen. John Kerry (D-MA), chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee, said the war in Afghanistan had already cost a "staggering" $243 billion NPR

Spent & Approved War-Spending - About $900 billion of US taxpayers' funds spent or approved for spending through Sept 2010. CBS

Health care reform, if it passes, will cost about $1 trillion over the next 10 years. This equal $100 billion per year. CBS

What the hell? What the fucking hell?

I can not understand why our country is making this mess.

Today I chatted with a check out lady at Wal-Mart (I am poor). She is from Germany. Somehow in the conversation we moved to that fact that everyone says it is better here, but that is just not true. We lamented the crumbling systems, lack of support, and basically the financial ruin that the U.S. is.

We need more services from the government because I can't pay my bills without them. I need everyone to spread the cost because my family is not less that anyone else’s'. Why does the government and cooperate America treat me like a 'less than'.

I am starting to take all of this very personally. Why should you pay for me to have basic services? Tell me why not.

“People love others not for who they are but for how they make them feel”

2010-03-11T00:28:00.001-06:00

Oh bother, again. I have nothing to say or do now except wait. Inaction is not the opposite of action. Inaction is the response to nothing left to do except wait. It is uncomfortable. I pass through cycles anyway, but under these conditions I am not able to separate myself intellectually from my emotions.

I have moved into the 'flats.' Everything seems pointless. No paths lead anywhere.

I wonder what it would be like to be different. I keep happening on quotes and posters that have 'words of wisdom.' My favorite today was No matter how bad things seem now, life is always changing, and it will get better. People believe this. They believe things happen for a reason and there is a larger plan. They believe it and go on content with their knowledge.

I get so tired of all of this. Things really, truly do not always get better. That doesn't mean they always get worse, but they are just as likely to get worse or stay the same. I have had ample time and experience to attest to that.

It could really be just me. I am really not disposed to be optimistic. The joke in my medical world that if we can get me to "not sucking" we have done our job. Sometimes I want to tell people to stop saying that to me. It pushes me away. It feels like they are demanding a song from a mute. But how could they know, right?

I can't tell people. There is A LOT of stigma in admitting that I have an illness that has a statistic that 20% of people with it die of suicide. "Don't worry, Get happy," is a slap in the face. I can't say these things because I won't get a job. I am just negative and Oprah says to eliminate people like me from your life. I bring you down.

So for now, I am Debby Downer and there are lists, books, and websites about how to stay away from me. For example: Also, be prepared to burn some bridges in the process. Right now in your life there are probably people who will fade away completely when they realize that you will not be participating in their drama anymore.

Thanks. What if you are 'banishing' these negative people and they can't always stop their feelings. How is that different from staying away for sick people because they are yucky?

I Sing the Story of your Pilgrim Soul

2010-03-10T00:17:00.001-06:00

There is a transformation happening in my body. I am a dancer, suddenly and magically. Today I was learning all of those awesome swing moves, sliding between legs, being lifted over the back in turns, and just using my strength, agility, and flexibility.

I am a runner and an all around athletic person, but this is different. It is the combination of art and my body. If you've had the chance it is a hell of a thing. There is a certain joy in hard work followed by artful execution. It is similar to really writing, not just journaling, but writing. That time will come.

It never fails to astound me that I am so many things. I am humbled and proud. I am tiptoeing through the tulips today. As all the intellectual endeavor is still waiting upstairs.

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

Yeats

Obviously, I am objectively really good looking.

2010-03-08T21:49:00.000-06:00

In Which I Loose My Job

2010-03-08T16:01:00.001-06:00

Tired is the word to describe this moment. I have used up all of my emotion for now. In fact, there is a certain comfort when you know the worst is over and it is time to try a new plan.

Fortunately, I am just the consequence of a number. There are not going to be enough classes for my job to exist, probably. Even if there were something available it probably wouldn't be enough work for me to bother. But, oh bother.

What I didn't say and haven't said about this weekend or some other times, is that I miss being that person. I miss being let into things free. I miss wearing expensive clothing. I miss being pursued for dates. We can't say it. It is mean. But, I miss being fawned over.

We went to another club after the concert. It was not a club for the faint of heart. I can't say that I enjoyed it all; some things were just disturbing. But I can take it. I can go there. I can get in and be slick even with that kind of a crowd. I miss my leather dress.

That all said, nothing matters from that night. I just need to concentrate on finding a job and fulfilling my duties. I have nothing else to say about the heartbreak. I keep failing at this American life. I can't fail anymore. Pining for what I could be isn't helpful; well unless I take up a "lower" career.

With all of my heart I say to you: don't wait for me or look for me: I worked so hard for my limitations I get to keep them.

I am sorry.

The Avett Adventure

2010-03-07T00:13:00.001-06:00

http://www.first-avenue.com/

It has been a long time since I have graced the floors of this building. I did it the old fashion way: working the system, entering a separate connect lounge, and smiled pretty

I got to see the Avett Brothers and the show was everything a great show should be. If you don't have them get them.

The rest of the night was at a gay bar. We were in mixed company. The club was chic, but naked young men dancing in plexy glass showers and ejaculating made me sad. A person's a person no mater how large.

But I did get a great gift 7 or 8 men (not as much at the gay club) told me I was beautiful. It is great to hear. And hard to understand.

Bed awaits

No Love, No Hate

2010-03-02T15:17:00.000-06:00

I should not even bother to write this. I have hit one of those cold plateaus were I am neither up nor down. I am standing bare bones with reality. It is one of the interesting little trills of me and this 'condition' that I have.

Every now and again I spiral back through a completely blank place. I have no real emotional register at the moment. I am not influenced by social trappings, feelings, or delusions. It is extremely tiring.

I forget how much fuel emotion gives us.

Flat days are quiet. I look around and see everyone with x-ray glasses. I am immune to the other women’s' fears and vanities. I am unimpressed by the desires and posturing of men. I see the children as annoying, possibly useful, or indifferent.

These days create the base from which step, leap, or lie down. I always have these little computer brained moments to remember. My mind makes check lists about people and events. The lists are plain view facts, almost like reading profiles on paper.

I know that I am ghostly on these days. I don't have much to say. I don't react. I don't care.

My emotions have been used up; they have been cycled through. Today I could be an assassin. I have no care to give. I write my children’s' names over and over to push some feeling up. It is good that I have them.

This is how I know that there is no more, no next.

New Music Sunday: Local Natives

2010-02-28T10:09:00.000-06:00

HibOO d'Live : Local Natives "Wide eyes" from Le-HibOO.com on Vimeo.

A few notes: this video stops because the band wanted to start the song over. The Local Natives also have a blog at Gorilla Manor and I have enjoyed it. I just acquired their new album two days ago and it is really quite excellent.
I, myself, have several 'normal' life events to report, but, I am beginning to feel that my daily dips into middle class life are, well, boring. For now, enjoy the music.

I Need a New Career !Help!

2010-02-25T23:36:00.000-06:00

I just can't do it. I can't go on as a people pleaser. I need a different line of work. What job could I ever do?

Really, really I just don't want to work with people "collaboratively." I want them to leave me alone.

"Essays and Characters of a Prison"

2010-02-24T16:09:00.000-06:00

I have known that I am a jack of all trades, but a master of none, for a long time. It is my little secret curse. I fail at everything all of the time and I am failing again.

I wish that this could remain my little secret. I wish that I could touch the level of competency enough to fly under the radar and never be noticed. I have let my guard down. Waltzing in and winning the metaphorical dance off seems to be my undoing.

Whenever politicians talk about incompetent employees I assume that they are referring to me. I am always incompetent, I am always failing at some task, and I will never do any better.

I also lack the needed social skills to grease the wheels of society. I forget how important impressions are to everyone. I forget that I can be a slap in the face.

I was reminded by my husband about some conversation that I had had with his family, in which I had said something offensive. It seems that involved parties are still offended. I don't even remember the incident.

“And when immorality prevails, O Krishna, the women of the family become corrupted; when women are corrupted, social problems arise.”

2010-02-19T16:22:00.000-06:00

There, I said it (again and again). I keep hearing about how much danger we internet/blog/facebook/twitter people are in because (shh) everyone will know all about us. I am also warned that when I say, "But, come on, who will sort through all of this crap to find me?" that THEY will. There are whole companies trying to find out about me. Did you know there are future employers that may not hire me because of the internet?

I would be a liar if I pretended that I don't need to be employable. I do. In fact, I take steps to keep a direct link from here in cyberspace to there (IRL).

It is a slippery slope. My other social networks are much tamer than the blog. Everyone here is warned that this is just the ghost of a smile. Objects may appear larger than they really are.

That said, I think that writing should be slippery, soft, hard, up, and down. I weigh the cost in my head: how much is freedom worth? How important is it to me to have a little corner of whatever I want? How much would I pay to have a padded room to go a scream at? And yes, I am ending sentences with prepositions and starting them with conjunctions.

I need to write all of this. I don't seem to be able to stop. I am already over 670 posts and I know I am not doing that for anyone else. It is all about me. I suppose that I could have a diary. One with a lock and a key. But that is not quite right either. Words bounce off of the walls in my head already; I want them to bounce outside too.

There is a small solid rubber band ball somewhere in the pit of my stomach that bounces here and I exhale. So much so, that I will not call myself names for spitting on the floor. Did you know that I can blow my nose onto the street when I run? I do it. I do a million wild and wicked things. I pretend to understand the rules, but I am just mouthing the words. Always.

There is some heavenly arithmetic that failed in me. My compass does not point North. I do not always understand why something is what we think it is. Morally ambiguous. But quiet.

The things I want to celebrate are not covered in your holidays. The gifts I covet are not anything pure or goodly. Many of my best talents are other people's sins.

So how do we live together?

I lie.

You look the other way.

You never saw this.

I am just another lady.

In which I shake my ass.

2010-02-18T21:58:00.000-06:00

I was emailed some pictures from my dance. The art teacher took these and they have my face in them. Funny, but they weren't put in the shared drive for students and staff.

These photos are from the end of the performance in the lower shot I am jumping out of the splits. And yes, it is a skimpy dress.

It is just a little poke about my earlier irritation with ladies. I am not a lady. I am becoming certain that I would be the villain in a chic flick. I am definitely the woman that is stealing Renee Zellweger's man and loses at the end.

I wonder if that is such a bad thing. I am not intending to go man hunting at all. I have a man and they seem to be more trouble than they are worth. But I like the temptation. I like being different. I like being a little threatening once and a while.

"Good women" are smug. They have God, morals, and family on their side. Oprah loves them. They have sayings:

"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows.
And the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years."

I fully except that I will use that quote someday (well, maybe not), but something else.

For now: "Good Girls Go to Heaven (Bad Girls Go Everywhere)"

And They're All Made of Ticky Take and They All Look Just the Same

2010-02-17T16:20:00.001-06:00

Little boxes, little boxes...and they all look just the same. Our little box is actually not pink or yellow; it is white. It is hard to imagine that I would want to cling to that little box, but, it seems, that I do.

The Recession! I hear that many white collar workers have not felt the icy claws of the recession. I also hear that many a Baby Boomer is returning or STAYING IN the workforce. I have a sore spot with Baby Boomers to begin with and it is only getting worse.

I work in education. Education is not a "growth industry;" no one is going to open a new chain of schools any time soon. In my world the old teachers retire and new jobs open for the young. Unfortunately for me, this is not happening. I currently work on a team of seven teachers and four are in their 50's! Two of these "old ladies" are new teachers at the school!!!

I am trapped in a place that is rooted in the old fashioned seniority system. I am lowest on the totem pole and it fucking sucks. I fall into the category of 'under employed.' There are two bitter pills (pun unintended) in this situation. First, I actually have a young family to support, as opposed to grown children, and second, I have to be nice to these women.

I could and have written a book about how much I don't like people. I just don't like them.

A cherry on the top of the social class that I find myself hijacked into, is that the people I find the most difficult to relate to are middle class white women. I particularly feel gutted spending time with the wifey/mothery type.

I am sure that I can find some historical events that leave me permanently in the position of an angry 17 year old girl, but I am not here for why's. I do want to sneer and stomp and indulge in inappropriate recreational substances. I want to write a note about how much these women suck. I want to tell them that they are old, fat, and ugly. I want to say, "Liking musicals is just retarded." I also want to throw in, "I could probably steal your boyfriend."

But...I...can't...

Except here. So for my clique record: listen you old bags, fucking retire! Go away, we don't want you! Go to antique malls. Buy stupid things for your grandchildren at Wal-Mart. Sew. Shop. Garden. Tell your own damn friends about heart fucking warming films. Do whatever you like: Just Don't Do It Here!

I need your job.

"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." -Oscar Wilde

2010-02-16T23:35:00.001-06:00

"Mawage. Mawage is what bwings us togefer today. Mawage, that bwessed awangement..."

It seems to be the week of marital problems. I am not sure if the moon is in the second house or if the couple is in the first house.

I have been startled by domestic abuse in my little one act play. It is not very close to my family, a colleague. It has startled me. I, of course, deal with it in my professional spree, but this time it is in the 'wrong' place. Rules are being broken; there is too much sharing of information. It is reckless to comment on trials and settlements pending and I want to be supportive, but also not too close. Things are said that will be taken differently later, best to wait.

I have a hard time imagining being in that situation. Of course, anything is possible, but I think I would abort if it even seemed close. In fact, I keep thinking about the money that goes into solving a crime verses preventing a crime. What is the goal?

With that in mind, I am also contemplating poverty. Who is being affect the most and what does that mean? I have heard the stats the poorest Americans are facing up to 30% unemployment, while the upper class in at 3%.

If you aren't angry think again.

Treat Your Children Well

2010-02-14T21:46:00.004-06:00

It was the best of time; it was not the worst of times. Busy times are stressful even if they are not bad. I have been fully scheduled this week. I even forgot about valentines day. I don't care about holidays; they are nuisances and semi meaningless for me.

The problem with my severe lack of interest in holidays, dislike of Dr Seuss, and aversion to children's films and books is that I tend to forget about the school celebrations. When I was immersed in the school festivity and decoration spewing, I was irritated by the love for it by adults.

Happily I am no longer anywhere that acknowledges these fluffy traditions (e.g. I forget).

We did spend the day cross-country skiing. There were a few tumbles, but we were mostly successful novice skiers. Mancub is the best skier of the lot, Doodle had a fine showing, I was fine, and we enjoyed Daddio's tumbles down the hills. My sister plus Almost Uncle B were good sports.

We have been hearing A LOT about childhood obesity. You can see some of the obesity stats here. It is a weird thing for our family. We are athletic. It turns out that one needs 300 minutes of exercise a week to create conditions for weight loss and 150 to 250 minutes for weight maintenance. 300 minutes comes down to about 5 hours.

I normally get that or more. The kids get more, but that is more about fitness. Mancub is a natural athlete. Doodle is fine for a first grader.

The other key is food. I have a hard time understanding the food bit. We eat normal meals: protein, starch, veggies, followed by fruit. I NEVER pass up cake or cookies. I always pass up processed food. It seems pretty easy.

I also find that if you get lots of exercise you can eat a lot. I love food. I know that this is not helpful for people struggling with weight.

I have been so happy with my physical agility. I love all of the things that I can do. I love all of the speed, strength, and reliability my body provides. I wish I could let others try out how it feels to just get up and go.

It is well worth the effort. Effort is the key in my eyes. The public is misinformed. Light walking will not create dramatic change. Consistent, painful effort is the only path; as well as, brussel sprouts, spinach, and other child torturers of years gone by.

But that is just my 2 cents.

So let's go!!

Little black dress

2010-02-10T22:54:00.001-06:00

An Interlude

2010-02-10T13:12:00.002-06:00

Shh. It is time for just a little quiet.

The show isn't over yet, not by a long shot. This week is punctuated by my time in the spotlight, willing or not. Today was lovely and exhausting. I danced. I danced well by any one's standards. I should be basking in my compliments right now. They are really delightful. The stoic and stern teacher down the stairs even said, "You are a beautiful dancer."

Wow.

I am, of course, hiding in my room.

I am such a triangle in a square hole. I can't even always explain my motivation. I do things because I think, "I can do that."

I also volunteered to present on Roberto Binign's "Life is Beautiful." I didn't realize that it wasn't just a screening and I now have a day and a half to come up with remarkable statements about the film.

My final performance this week is leading a discussion on equity in education. The author, a prof from Arizona, is going to be here on Friday. I have an aching dread that she has been invited to the student cohort I will be speaking too.

No stress really. Also, I am technically not at work when I present the film, but, technically I do work during the meeting with the prof. All jokes aside, I have no clue how to do all of this in the number of hours ahead of me.

The Quick and the Dead

2010-02-08T15:43:00.003-06:00

I have to admit that I would rather be quick in the real and biblical sense. I even looked up the King James Bible quote and I still fall on the side of lust, wine, and revelling. I also figure if I am quick (modern) while I am quick (archaic) I will get away with a good bit of bad.

All of this hasty maneuvering is because I am getting bored. I need to travel or move. I can only stand to be in one place for so long until I need to keep on keeping on. We are talking about moving. Husband and I just keep coming around to a common theme: America and its Americans just suck.

We prefer the government in Europe and, no offense to my readers, who are, obviously above average, Americans are dumb. I can't explain it. There are, certainly, idiots in other countries, but Americans just seem to beat everyone hands down.

The amazing part here in the US of A is that people are informed about things they should avoid (i.e. unhealthy lifestyles) and they completely ignore the problems. Americans out consume everybody everywhere and will not hear about taxes on carbon emissions or gasoline.

I am just starting to think that it would be easier to dislike America from the outside. In my experience every one agrees that the US sucks out there. When I point it out here in the States people get offended, even though there is ample data.

Even if we don't go for a few years, I have no plans to spend the rest of my life in this country.

Commited to my Ass

2010-02-06T23:58:00.005-06:00

I am tired. Tired in a way that isn't about sleep. Tired in a can we please just give this a rest way.
Bitching about life is not really new or interesting, but, but. I have been listening to a lot of radio about happiness and marriage. In fact, I caught and interview about the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. I have had absolutely no interest in reading Eat, Pray, Love and even less in seeing the film.

Committed is a sceptics guide to marriage, according to its subtitle. It pulls out all of the history of marriage: it was for social stability, property rights, wealth accumulation, until LOVE was brought into the picture. Love makes things difficult. Love doesn't provide stability.

Married women are not as happy as their single peers. Mothers also report less life satisfaction and do not perform as well at work. Men seem to get the lion's share of marriage benefits. They have longer, healthier lives.

In the interview, Gilbert mentioned a 'wifeless marriage' which means that no one wants to sacrifice their needs for the good of the group. It was an interesting idea. When she said it I realized that I don't want to be a wife. I don't want to tend to the endless details of others before my needs. I don't mind mixing all of our needs together, but that isn't always the game.

I am finding my life partner onerous at the moment. I am getting overdone with his moods. I don't feel like working hard for my marriage right now. I am working hard on my work and my thesis. I am tending to the flock of children, whether I feel like it or not.

Morning after update: Husband has realized that he is being a grouchy pain about his share of the house work. He is working on a better attitude. Every now and then I have to reprogram his Southern European mind. Men are not 'helping around the house' they are equal partners. (Snicker)

The thing is I am not worried about the kids. They are fine. They are full of awards for writing, art, and sports. We are doing it all o.k.

The march to a good college has begun for nearly eighth grader and I am fairly confident we will get him there. I am also tired of apologizing about it. We are on the State School is your safety; shoot for great.

As for girly. She is smart and pretty. She is in the serious track for her extra classes but we are still figuring out what she likes. The rest of her Ninja Puppy life is fitting and fine.

I am tired of the life and times of Mommy from everyone around me. I am also tired of Oprah self discovery from the neighborhood. I am looking for something else.

I want a little punk rock. I want to remember that I like down and dirty. I miss rock clubs. I miss hip and interesting. I miss sexy.

I bought really nice heels; Calvin Klein, $100 dollar pair (on sale). I also bought some slinkier skirts; stuff that will pass at work but is sexy. I want to get out of the romper room. I want to leave good wholesome church going people alone. I want to be a woman. Sure, I'll be a woman with a family, but that doesn't mean that I am defined only as a mother and a wife.

I am going to use some of my 'ass'ets before I forget all about them.

In Which I am Almost Naked

2010-02-05T16:02:00.002-06:00

I am an adult.

I work out. A lot.

I even wear a bikini to the neighborhood pool.

I had my first dress rehearsal for my dance routine.

I have heels.

I also have a leotard with spaghetti straps and a asymmetrical skirt.

I was blushing the entire practice.

I am very immature.

Walking on Broken Glass

2010-02-04T22:17:00.004-06:00

This is the song for the grand dance performance next week. It is quite a thing. I twirl, death drop, do the splits, and can do the complicated kick step change combinations. I had no idea when I began how much work I would do. I had no idea that I would be able to do it so easily.

The song isn't exactly the coolest one in the whole world, but it has been a favorite for a long time. Annie Lennox captures the feeling of being rejected in such a true, but not lamenting way. It is consoling. I also love the Dangerous Liaisons video, though I am disappointed in the little pick me up at the very end.

The rest of right now is tolerable. There is work stuff. I hate work stuff. I have made some errors, real mistakes; misconjugations here and there and a few random vocabulary slips. It wouldn't be a huge problem, save the scrutiny by some of my colleagues. I am riding the storm out without saying much.

The problem with working is that you are always under the gun in one way or another. It is never over. Then there are the 'politics.' I can not grasp work politics. I also can not get a handle on neighborhood and mom politics. I don't like people. I stopped seeking their approval a few years ago.

Not to belabor the point, but, I don't even bother to remember the names of soccer, school, neighborhood families. People talk to me and I can often tell by their voices that we know each other, but, I don't really remember. I don't really want to know. I don't really want to chit chat, because I don't care about what ever is happening in the club, the extra activity, or a list of all of their goals and achievements.

Smile and nod.

I often wonder if this is healthy. It is an aversion to connections. If someone starts in on a diet or a funny story I go blank. The worst is tv; I never care about tv shows.

Today was a little empty. I am busy. I have university indentured servant work to do, I have work to do, I have children to tend to, and I like to work out and get a little rest into the mix. Also it is winter and we are broke.

Treading water. Perhaps this is not a real blog post. I think it is just getting some of the tedium off of my chest. Perhaps I am just coughing up phlegm. Either way I am as ugly as I feel.

Sarah Can You Hear Me?

2010-02-03T15:29:00.002-06:00

I know that you are afraid of the dark. You have been for the twelve years that I have known you. Those demons waiting for you were always real to me too, even when I was pretending to be obtuse, because we were both nothing but scared teenagers in grown ups' clothing.

I wish that I could say to you that it was all pretend. That we were silly. That there are no demons. That there is no dark. But that is just a lie.

Right now, today, the day that you knew you had lost someone to the dark, most people will lie to you love. I won't. I wish that I thought that a lie would make that endless ache clawing out your gut smaller. I wish that I could tie the whole thing up with butcher's twine. I wouldn't even touch ribbons or bows.

There isn't a butcher or a prayer that will help you today. There is nothing today. There is only pain. There will only be pain for longer than I want to tell you. It is yours today and that is something.

I am looking at you, my dear, dear hurt one. I would stay with you and hold your hair while you spit it out. I will whisper over and over again that you did everything, that you are beautiful, that it isn't fair. And you are, and I love you, and I am sorry, and I wish I could roll this all away into my motherly hands and wipe tears and snot with my sleeves.

The Happy and the Vain

2010-02-01T23:18:00.006-06:00

The Rap on Happiness

This article was brought to my attention from my burka protester, women's rights crusader, and all around brave friend. That is the first amazing piece of the puzzle. Someone with no aspirations of "shiny happy people holding hands," sent me information about happiness.

Some of it reflects things that I repeat: if you are suffering in a bad work situation, if money is "tighten your belt" tight, or you are in piss poor family situation you can't expect happiness. It is also unfair to expect it.

There is a website happier.com that suggests the following: Fundamentally Sound, Sure-Fire Top Five Components of Happiness: (1) Be in possession of the basics — food, shelter, good health, safety. (2) Get enough sleep. (3) Have relationships that matter to you. (4) Take compassionate care of others and of yourself. (5) Have work or an interest that engages you.

O.K. That sounds reasonable to me. I briefly looked at the site and it was relentlessly bright. You also have to join a club, pay money, and log your activities. Sigh.

Which leaves everyone back at the beginning; it is difficult to pin down "happiness."

I did appreciate some of the books (by Gretchen Rubins and Daniel Gilbert) the article mentioned. Gilbert's book seems palatable enough; he basically opines that the recommended paths to happiness don't usually cause it. Rubins seems to ignore news and delight in buying (personal trainers and salad dressing) her way to comfort and therefore becomes able to concentrate on happiness. I am less inclined to trust Rubins.

I do, absolutely, believe that money is fundamental to happiness. Poverty sucks. Not being able to purchase basics (shoes, jackets, etc.) as needed also sucks and not being able to replace broken appliances and car parts as needed sucks even more.

I am left watching the emperor with his invisible clothes. I can see that he is naked. I am even proud to be intellectually sound enough to realize his nudity. I scoff at the crowd. However, I sit wondering while knowing that believing in the clothes is happier and cast judgement with an arrogant and unhappy attitude.

Vanity is the sin and humility the virtue. Unfortunately vanity is one of the cards that builds my house and I have worked hard to own her. Perhaps one day, older and wiser I will take vanity out of the deck, but I need that card to get through part of the day today.

I think you might like to hear something from us Nice and easy. But theres just one thing. You see we never ever do nothing Nice and Easy.

2010-01-27T22:23:00.007-06:00

You wouldn't think that the building pictured above is the furthest place from anywhere in the universe, but, it is. Van Hise is my nemesis. It representsa giant pain in my ass. It is the physical 'keys to the kingdom' that I can not reach: far, distant, and elite. It is elitism.

Cambridge dictionary defines populism as "political ideas and activities that are intended to represent ordinary people's needs and wishes." I am not a populist. I believe in Social Democracy and Welfare States, truly. Welfare states are replete with intellectual elites; it is economic capital that is regulated and justice is equal, regardless of rank.

I am actually a bit disappointed with the President Obama's move towards populism. In my opinion, it is not best to run policy based on ordinary people's wishes. Ordinary people do not appear to have the requisite understanding of the complexities of large systems (medical, financial, social welfare). I am certainly not able to define best practice in all fields. I wouldn't trust my neighbors to take up this challenge.

Populism sounds good and feels good. "We are all equal." Fortunately, we are not equal. Elites are not villains nor is the desire to be "elite" which I will phrase as a specialist in your field. Highly trained specialists come from rigorous institutions. It is just a fact. Highly trained specialists commit themselves to years of work to achieve this place.

The United States vilifies liberal intellectual elites and embraces wealthy capitalist elites. It also pays lip service to the hard working people. Hard working people are important, but their goals are not objectively morally superior.

I choose to work for intellectual capital. I plan to pass this pursuit on to my children. None of this means that I don't respect the choice to be an honest normal family. None of this means that I don't want to see the possibility for well supported social systems. In fact, I believe that the more resources in health care, income equality, and government retirement pensions will free most of us to be able to do what we choose.

I am also going to throw out the idea that many 'hard working Americans' have no idea of the perks that the wealthy receive. Working at St. Rich has seriously clutched many of my beliefs. Do I want good education for all students? Yes. Do I work in a place that is the high school I wouldn't have imagined? Yes.

I could go on to list all of the things I have seen. I will just give you a slice of today. At the staff meeting a 5 piece student band (piano, violin, drum, trumpet, bells, and amazing jazz vocals) sang a self composed song to convince us (teachers) that we should take our students to the week long performances during Fine Arts Week. It was funny and charming. It was something I would pay to see.

If I have that available, at a discount, I am going to scrape my pennies for my kids. I want them to see all of those things. I want them to go on to more places like this. This desire to bask in the intellect may be offensive, but, it is my job to wrestle my opinions out of the way.

I also believe that this place should be a model for all schools. I also know that large cities, think Fame, have these types of public schools.

Negotiations and Love Songs Are Often Mistaken for One and the Same

2010-01-26T22:56:00.003-06:00

Marriage.

Marriage is a loaded word. I thought I understood what that word meant a long, long time ago. I have heard people tell me 'marriage is hard work' and been to marriage counselors. Marriage counseling's primary goal seems to be keeping functioning (no abuse, addictions, no major conflict) marriages together. Multiply that by 100 if there are children.

Happiness is not the focus. Contentment, compromise, and no loud conflict are the goals. Make things work the best you can together. Thanks! If you say that you want more or different you are often told that divorced people express less contentment.

None of that sounds like vows made on wedding days. No part of courtship leads up to, "live your life in a state of neither happiness nor misery joined with someone you may tire of after time." I would love to hear those vows.

The way I see it, the whole thing is a dupe. You go in young and unsuspecting. You are told about love. There are tears. Suddenly it is 15 years later and you have been locked into negotiation for the simplest things.

I don't like curtailed freedom. I don't want to ask permission. I don't always want to put other's needs above my own.

Kids you say! Kids do require that sacrifice, but they move out at some point. Your spouse is a gem that you are lassoed to forever. Great a life time of stinky bathrooms, stupid sports on tv, and someone telling you how to spend your ( I mean our) money. Who assumed that I wanted to share.

I have less constrictions placed on me now. It came down to 'Fuck You, stop it, or I am out.'

I have been listening to friends about arguments where spouses demand "Take down that blog or return it too the store." I dutifully listen and offer support. I really want to say "tell him to mind his own damn business."

You load sixteen tons, what do you get

2010-01-25T00:05:00.004-06:00

This is probably not exactly true for me. I believe that I will probably move out of my current financial level. I will probably have meager savings at some point and a meager pension.

I am losing trust in the good old U S of A. I see the way we are disposable here. The resistance to create networks to help one and other, be they familial or governmental. I am disappointed, profoundly so, this place doesn't work in my best interest.

People do not care about others. They are selfish, even the ones that put everything into their family. It is only about their comfort. I know so very many people staying home with children and it is a financial sacrifice. I keep thinking about the future.

Americans send their children out into the world young. Eighteen is not an age of reason. College should not be the financial ruin of the young. We will pay for our children in college. We expect them to go to influential schools. We are thinking that we will send them to prep school. We can't easily afford it right now, but we will do it. Access is everything.

The question now is where. Where can we do this. We can stay here and send them to St. Rich and they will go on to bright places. The problem, oh the problem, is that it may be easier to give them that in Europe. We have contacts their too.

America does not offer the security, the health care, the benefits. If it were the difficulty to create the system, the complexity, the lack of infrastructure I would be understanding. I can not forgive people that are fighting to stop those things. Those people are fighting me, they are fighting to have more at the cost of my chance for a good life.

It may be unfair to lump people together, but, I no longer care. If there were a real conservative, anti-health reform, I pay to much in taxes person that would speak to me. Answer the question, "What should I do? I will never make a lot of money. I had all of my taxes refunded and received an earned income tax credit. I worked. I served the common good more than most. Why do you feel robbed?"

All I can say is: Americans you don't seem to be able to make this work. Prove me wrong or I may walk away and become a European closing the cycle of my immigrant forefathers.

Stupid but Polite

2010-01-20T16:05:00.002-06:00

Irrational outbursts of anger seem to follow my FaceBook page after any major political event. I am running, screaming into a noisy flock of geese taking off, and I know it. There is no sensible way to inform any one's politics in 160 characters.

My fear is that there is no way to inform any one's political opinion. There are many careless opinions tossed around and saying so much is reason for social fallout. The majority of the people around me tend to shy away from any political conversation. If it ever comes up, it is only when we all agree and the conversation dies at the slightest sent of discord.

It is the recipe for political death. We have separate news outlets, we can't talk about politics in the workplace, and our friends and neighbors fear the subject. It is offensive, you know. It is offensive when I say to my coworker that voting against abortion at the cost of services to the working class just doesn't make sense. It is even offensive that I tell him he is , we are, working class. When I explain that we both will never, ever reach the $250,000 a year tax bracket, he is offended. I assume to much.

The problem is that I don't assume too much. I can do basic math. I can average in for possible retirement plans. I can make an educated guess about some one's cost of living.

I don't believe in conspiracy theories, which is a real pity because I am sure that I would be great at it, but I wish I could create one. I theorize that businesses and states have conspired to make talking of politics, money, and social issues rude. It is genius: we all wonder through our days politely mute, conscientiously distracted, until we forget to think at all.

I'd like to say that I'm a faithful man; but it may not be true.

2010-01-19T23:37:00.002-06:00

Really. Watch this:

They are in Milwaukee in March. Takers?

And Let There Be Nothing After

2010-01-17T23:37:00.005-06:00

To The Best of Our Knowledge - Religion in a Secular Age.

I have taken the leap. I understand this idea of gods, religions, and the place in the human psyche for names of unnameable. The idea of those things which are beyond the human ability to explain, see, sense, or experience is often attributed to the name God.

Evidence is often the criteria that we, atheists, use to say that there is NO God. Lack of evidence is the lock and key to atheism. Reason, scientific method, logic, the modern are the base of the holes poked in the framework of spiritual. It is assumed that direct observation, the proven, and the seen create the logical denial of spiritual.

I debate that it is exactly the opposite, at least for me. I believe that there are, indeed, many things that lie beyond what we, the modern, understand. This lack of understanding does not create belief or faith in me.

I am listening to Stephen Pinker and Rebecca Goldstein now. I was fortunate to see Pinker lecture this year and I do respect and have heard some of his opinions on the topic before. I agree that students should know the history of religions and I also dislike the word faith; his perspective.

I can and do except that I do not understand the feeling of being a religious person. I can imagine that it is a powerful sensation. I can even believe that this feeling is a comfort, a touchstone for ones place in the universe, it seems to give meaning.

The love and belief that parents have that their children are the most important and wonderful children in their world was compared to the love of a personal relationship with a God or spiritual keeper. But, at the risk of inhuman overtones, I do not see this centrality of my children or my family as a reasonable center to my life. They are, of course, important, loved, and the center of my labor and attention, but, they will not always be in the center. I know that they are dear to me, but ultimately share my fate as small things in a great world.

We live, we die, it goes on. It may just be that I and others like me do not need to know why. We can listen to stories of healing through spirituality and see nothing in it for us. I can understand that the ritual is comforting, but nothing more.

I choose the middle.

2010-01-15T23:22:00.002-06:00

I like to listen to Wisconsin Public Radio. Sometimes it is annoying, very annoying. I have a certain irritation with a baby boomer hostess who gets so passionate, in a deep throaty voice, about colors, smells, and sensual tastes, but, over all I like to listen.

Today one of the programs was on teaching and teachers. What Makes a Great Teacher? - The Atlantic (January/February 2010) The article is based on data from The Teach for America program, which is fine, but the article is incomplete. One of the major findings out of Teach for America is that highly educated people from the top colleges do a better job teaching.

"Superstar teachers had four other tendencies in common: they avidly recruited students and their families into the process; they maintained focus, ensuring that everything they did contributed to student learning; they planned exhaustively and purposefully—for the next day or the year ahead—by working backward from the desired outcome; and they worked relentlessly, refusing to surrender to the combined menaces of poverty, bureaucracy, and budgetary shortfalls."

Great. What a great revelation. Work with unrelenting perseverance, work 60 hour work weeks, dedicate all of your energy to this job. The caveat with Teach for America is that it is a two or three year stint before law school or other grad studies. That does not equal a teaching career.

I know that I have many traits that fall into the categories The Atlantic describes, but I don't have all of them and certainly I don't have 'that' day every day.

What I really want to say is that teachers are often the punching bag for problems. It is true that desperately needed attention is finally being paid to under funded, disenfranchised schools and students. That said, I do not want to get involved with that brier patch. Not today, not with my life. Maybe later, maybe after my kids are bigger, but something says that doing my job well and living my outside life well is not too much to ask.

Before I am outcast, I do understand that everyone wants the best for their children. I ask you to consider how well good has served you.

3 little birds

2010-01-13T22:44:00.003-06:00

First and foremost, Haiti. Here is a list of relief organizations just in case. I will let you know about how we respond here.

Now back to petty low importance me, me , me. I am tired. I am ballroom tired. When I said that I danced I didn't realize what COMPETITION ballroom meant. The choreography, the spins, the flare, and I am doing the splits in front of 600+ people. Hard core is mild.

That aside,I have been pondering West Virginia (Mountain Mama), Eastern Pennsylvania, and Eastern Ohio. I know that this is not "The South," but it is NOT "The North." My political bias has a lot to do with my Wisconsin progressive life.

I live in a place with poverty, but heated, upkept, socially subsidized poverty. We are a blue state. As I drove through those red states I was surprised. They look poor, a poor that we don't have. Our ghettos looked better than some of their towns. Our people always have all of their teeth, for example.

These were poor people, yet their states go Republican. I was lost. I also know that there is a heavy religious bent in the area.

What, what, what, what, what.

How does it work? I imagine separate churches. I suspect some kind of social system of haves - holders of righteousness, power, and money and the others. I could be wrong.

I can't understand why people would vote against their poverty.

Valley Winter Song

2010-01-10T23:16:00.004-06:00

Ah winter. I don't like winter, as I don't like being cold. As I believe that the universe enjoys a joke, it seems that I enjoy winter sports.

Last season I discovered cross country skiing and this year ice skating is all the rage. Suburb of Midwestern University Town has loads of winter recreation available. The rink you see to the left is a short 3 blocks from the house. There are also groomed cross country trails a little further away.

Winter taunts us. "Man up. Face the cold." And we have. Mancub seems to be a hockey natural after 3 days on the rink. The neighborhood boys meet for blood and guts pick up hockey after school.

The hockey games limit Princess Doodle from her 6 year old Olympic figure skating. It is hard to skate gracefully while avoiding death at the feet of a teenager. Yesterday she surreptitiously stole and buried all of the boys pucks. Guess what, it's hard to find pucks in a snowbank after dark.

Six new pucks, 5 angry boys, and 1 pouty girl later we returned home. My home that now is coated in road salt, melted and dried puddles, skates, boots, and stinky dog wool clothing all for me to clean and sort. I keep wishing that I had one of those old rambling homes suited to this lifestyle or an elf, but I have neither.

I have also been warned that I was found sleeping with this laptop on my lap last night (while trying to post) and I that could burn out the vents. I refuse to go down without a fight. Falling asleep less than a half hour after getting the loud, dirty, hungry younglings cleaned, feed, and bedded is for the weak.

Tiny Dancer

2010-01-08T15:52:00.003-06:00

Did I ever tell you that I dance?

Well, I do. I have danced 'unofficially' for a long time. I have taken an odd assortment of classes over the years and have settled into an aerobic "dance" class at my gym. Within the scope of the gym class I am pretty good. I learn the choreography quickly and am able to do almost any step.

At my new job (Private High School) there is a professional dance instructor. I have ended up working on a dance routine for our Fine Arts Week with him. It is really wonderful. I knew that I wasn't a bad dancer, but I had no idea that I was a good dancer.

Funny enough, it turns out I am a pretty good dancer. I am practicing different spins and steps. When I started our dance instructor created a basic routine, but he has been pleased with my skills and it is getting quite complicated. It seems that I have a good deal of ability.

The funny thing about the entire situation is that I have always loved to dance. As a child I would dress up and take lessons, but as I got older I lost my confidence. High school was a wash out. In college I did start to dance at Latin Clubs. I learned to salsa and cha, cha, cha.

It is hard to find a reason to dance now. I have been grateful for the gym class. I was very hesitant to start dancing at work; thankfully, a nice coworker pushed me to do it. I just have to take it slowly, but, I just need to throw out that Costumes Have Been Mentioned!!!! (Which is another thing that grown ups do not do...)

Not to transmit an experience is to betray it.

2010-01-06T15:47:00.005-06:00

We walked through the security check point, our bags were x-rayed, and we picked everything up on the other side. The line was long and it seemed even longer because of the temperature outside. I never think that intense security is a solution, but given what had happened I understood.

There was a large metal elevator; we were herded in in large groups. When we arrived to the fourth floor there were pictures, flags, terrible posters, and tape of a man shouting. Little Girl looked at me and said, "Let's get out of here. I don't like it."

I urged her on. We watched a film of rallies and screaming. There were uniforms on display, written proclamations, and photos. In the beginning the photos were unpleasant, people were in lines, soldiers were marching, and vindictive caricatures were chasing women and grubbing money.

It was after we had walked through the fences and railroad cars that it became too much. She looked at me with angry eyes and tugged on my hand. "I don't like it!" she insisted. I slowed her down and said, "Mommy just wants to see a little more."

We walked through a hall of pictures. It was two stories tall and completely covered. She didn't mind that part.

I was surprised. I had expected to feel connected to these people, to humanize them, to put faces with numbers. I had expected to feel the outrage that I had when I was a girl. I didn't.

The pictures were so old. The people in them looked so foreign. Boys were in long dresses until they passed to knickers. Women wore clothing that I have only seen in old foggy photos of my great grandparents. The things that they had in the photos with their stern faces were not even the stuff of antique stores; they were older.

I was surprised. I knew that this place was contemporary to my grandfathers, but, not to my memory. I remembered those men from my childhood. They wore undershirts and treated me like a princess. They appreciated me from a small distance. One told me his stories from his youth. The people on the walls looked like memories of my memories, the distant past.

We moved into the next space. After a few minutes and only one or two displays Little Girl was done. Her face was set, her arms were crossed, she looked at me and demanded, "Get me out of here."

I looked at the walls, in the cases, and into the viewing booths. She was right. There were skeletons everywhere, there was the walking dead, and worst of all transitions between slides of abuse, decay, and flesh.

We rushed through and slowed down only at the conclusion. Liberation, reflection, and rooms for prayer.

My daughter was still disgusted. "Why did you bring me here?" was here demand.

I said, "They have this to remind us about this Bad Thing that happened. So no one will do it again."

She was not impressed. "I wouldn't do this."

"I know."

"Why did they do that?" She stomped.

I thought of all of the answers. I could explain racism, anti-semitism, the state of the world during the Great Depression. I knew those answers would not make sense to her. I also knew that those are not the reasons for atrocity. I knew that there is slaughter today. I read about the gypsies that had died in the hundreds of thousands and knew that they are still 'undesirable' in most of Europe. I knew that as long as there are humans, weapons, and the unwanted that their will be blood and slaughter.

I just said, "I don't know."

We were standing by the memorial for the guard that had been shoot June 10, 2009 at the United States Memorial Holocaust Museum.

The Remains of Us All

2010-01-04T00:17:00.003-06:00

Art gratia artis.

Finally I am able to share the bits and pieces of what we saw and what touched us. I often tell my children that they, to their dismay, have museum parents, not water slide parents.

I don't know the long term effect of the forced cultural indoctrination. I have been hearing about indoctrinating children in religion because it creates life long faith. We may be creating life long humanists.

Watching the family pass through the museum it was interesting to see what sparked interest.

Both children were enchanted by modern art. This Jackson Pollock had Mancub's attention. It was one of those moments when one should point out to the "I could make that" crowd, that they really couldn't.

The Remains

On another note: The Holocaust Museum was more than enough for the 6 year old. All she could muster was a 'why did they do that?'

I had no answer.

A Thousand Words is Worth a Picture?

2010-01-03T09:30:00.002-06:00

I have them; beautiful pictures. I have wonderful, lovely pictures from The National Gallery. Unfortunately, I am unable to load them on the internet at the moment. Those pictures are meant to punctuate a feeling; to show worm glowing beauty, and show the power of my new camera.

The forces that are combined for the holiday and, after three years of waiting, I have a wonderful Rebel. I knew intellectually that the photos were going to be better, but, I didn't imagine how much better or how satisfying it is to get my mind's eye out into the open.

Road tripping was worth the effort, all the way to Washington D.C. to go to the Portuguese Embassy. The first thing we did in D.C. was spend a few hours registering for passports; two members in the family are about to receive European passports. The girls are in process. Doodle needs a copy of my birth certificate for her file and her citizenship will be established. I was informed that I am eligible for citizenship too.

This is all very tempting. The U.S. seems less appealing lately. Driving through Appalachia I was amazed at the poverty. I spent some time talking with a woman that works in Health Policy for the government and I learned about some of the road blocks for getting care for these people. It was just sad.

When I returned home (at a New Year's party) a neighbor did, in fact, blame it on the 'poor choices' of the Appalachian poor. Ugh. Obviously there is a spark here for me. I have arranged to do some volunteer work with the local Cientro Hispano. I am warning everyone: I will be irritatingly on a soap box.

But...old dog...new tricks?

Anyway, I am suffering the slings and arrows of internet connectivity, I will write the customary New Year post later.

Shelter from the Storm

2009-12-26T08:41:00.004-06:00

(not blogging is what happens when you're making other plans)

I have a Crack Berry now. We upgraded our phone plan this week. Which will be great for reading all the neglected posts of the last few days. So, that's my excuse. My other excuse is that last week was crushing. Exams, visiting relatives, and all of the other 'things.'

What I have wanted to say here, is that, it isn't that bad. For the first time in a long time I can say that this time of the year is good. Trying to dwell on the up side seemed to work.

For you, gentle reader, I want to thank you for sticking in there with me. I have been swinging through so much and some of it fell apart right here. In fact, this has been my scream at the powers that be.

It is impossible to explain the debt that I owe this space and you. I can wish you happy holidays, I can say thank you, I can offer gratitude, and I know that it does not even touch my debt. I am humbled by what you have seen here and that you have come back. You have laughed, you have been shoulders for tears, and you have listened to irrational anger that is inexplicable. You have witnessed my internal struggle and the war against the world and against myself.

I wish that I had something witty to say right now. All I can muster is 'Thank You' and a tune.

Bob Dylan - Shelter From The Storm (1976
Uploaded by Pitoucat. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

Exam

2009-12-21T23:26:00.005-06:00

Hey there. Fun, fun, fun. I am taking a break from the awesome exam marking. It is like some sort of boredom marathon.

I was trying desperately to come up with something good to write about. I thought about the health care bill, the problems of American exceptionalism, & other glorious topics.

Truth be told, I am trapped in the mundane world of Constitution projects, work, boring thesis books to read, and grumpy family dieing for winter break. It is amazing how so much can be so dull.

There are still holiday odds and ends to sort out. Tax stuff, insurance stuff, and the infuriating nurse at my doctor's office that is not practical. I am going away and she can't give me medication because of the date, so I have to go and argue my case. It is more time lost on something stupid.

Everyone is so merry. It makes it harder for them to understand my urgency. It's nothing personal I just have to file paper work before the end of the year.

But frankly, I have to get all of this out of the way:

Christmas Post

2009-12-20T22:34:00.005-06:00

I don't love Christmas. In fact, I find it stressful and annoying. My family chases me down, everything gets crammed into a day or two, and there is always the forced meals. My parents are divorced but both want to have a 'meal.' Sigh.

The reality of the Holidays at middle age + kids is not magical. It is crowded in stores, gifts can't be found, and, frankly, I always get the worst gift. I never want a candle and I'll buy the books I want to keep. That sounds bitchy, but, I work pretty hard to get my family things that they will like and I am ignored, mom style.

Finally, to round out this ditty is that "Keep the Christ in CHRISTmas" folks. Why do you need signs in your yards? I don't put out signs saying "Celebrate Yuletide - I'm of Nordic Heritage." There are a lot of our traditions that are based on Yule celebrations: those funny trees, yule logs, bells, wreaths, mistletoe, and all of those lights. A blessed yule to you!

Also here's a bit on poor present choice:

Outside of a small town where I didn't mean to settle down

2009-12-20T00:02:00.003-06:00

I think we forget the past. I know that my navel gazing and expectations for life have not served me well. I can't tell you what the generations before us felt or thought. I can not reconstruct their beliefs.

I have listened to the stories. I remember the old houses, small northern towns, and wooded hiding places. I was too young to understand. Now there are hurdles to understanding.

Lately I have been fighting windmills. It's my way. There is little hope to fix this.

	James McMurtry - Angeline .mp3

	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Shut up churches

2009-12-17T23:50:00.003-06:00

I try. I do. Finally, all said and done, religions seem unnatural and I want them to go away. Our lives keep getting railroaded by the religious. No this, no that, don't do anything fun, love Jesus et al, and stay trapped in your life commitments regardless if they are fulfilling.

Grrr. Why do you have to bother me? Why can't I lead my a theist life without your interest? I don't want to hear about it. I will never get on the train. Stay away from my government.

God does not protect you and no one is coming to save us.